Saying goodbye

I started a post last night about how this year was off to a good start...some funny things my kids say...how great my life is and how blessed I am. And not that those things aren't true, but something stopped me. I got tired, I couldn't hold my eyes open, and I was taking care of my sick pup (well she was almost 11, but has always been my pup).

Then this morning I knew it wasn't going to be a good day. Yesterday was not a good day b/c our Jade was pacing around, digging in to the floor, and came to find me quite a bit. I took her to the vet b/c she just wasn't right. They took some blood and urine, but the vet felt she was having some kind of anxiety attack. When we got home she vomited quite a bit, but I thought it was b/c of the car ride and she was anxious about being at the vet. She drank 2 bowls of water after that and then came to sleep upstairs w/ me. She wanted to lay close to me and be with me. She had arthritis and hadn't been upstairs to sleep in our room for sometime.

Around midnight she whimpered out in pain several times, and I knew she wasn't doing good. I tried to get her to take a doggy aspirin, but she would eat anything to take it. She went outside and my husband couldn't get her to come back in. She wanted to stay outside behind the grill. She eventually came in, but went to sleep in the kids bathroom.

When they all got up this morning she wouldn't come out of the bathroom to go outside. She came down after they left for school and just laid under the chair in the dining room. I made her some eggs and tried to get her to drink. She refused it all. I knew from then that this day was not going to go well.

I took her back to the vet. They took some Xrays and could tell some sort of "mass" was in their. Well to put my mind at ease before we made a decision they did an ultrasound. I left her there so they could observe her.

The vet called me back in what seemed like an eternity (was really 4 hours). She didn't have good news. She could see several masses on her spleen, kidney, and intestines. She said they could do an exploratory surgery or could go in and try to remove anything she found. However, I knew we couldn't afford it and she said there was no guarantee that anything could even be done once they got in there. So I headed back to the vet...I made the hard decision to put her down.

They brought her in so I could say goodbye. And boy oh boy I had no idea how hard this would be. But I could tell from her reaction that she was ready and we were making the right decision.

We couldn't stand the thought of having to tell the kids...and we especially couldn't tell them that we had "chosen" this decision. So I told them that the vet had called me and told me it was time. I reassured them that she was ready and I pet laid w/ her and pet her until she was gone and she wasn't alone.

My daughter screamed out at me that I was lying and this couldn't be true. The boys all began crying. I held Jenna reassuring her that she was in a better place. She is now up in heaven playing chase with her other friend Riley (our other dog that passed away 2 yrs. ago). I reminded them of all the good times we had with her...that her almost 11 years were full of lots and lots of love. She was Jenna's pre-k graduation present 10 years ago and was hers...and I knew she would take it the hardest.

I kept them busy while Chris went to bury her. They were curious and the 3 oldest kids wanted to go out and see where her final resting place would be. They are each handling it in their own way...but I am having a much harder time than I could have ever imagined. Jenna and I decided we would write her a letter and tell her all the amazing things about her. She wants me to take them down to her grave and bury them with her. So tomorrow I will go dig up a little dirt and place them in the ground.

I never imagined I would take this so hard, but I am even more surprised at how many times I've caught my husband crying. He said "She was our family and she's been w/ Jenna and Tyler since I can remember". I keep waiting for her to bark, or run in and beg for my food, or just come lay with me. My first run without her is going to be so hard...and I think I need to update my play list w/ some major upbeat music...b/c I need a run to clear my head.

I am glad I went back to tell her goodbye and kiss and pet her one more time. I miss her so much already...and I just pray that this gets easier.