Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Wordless Wednesday...well sort of...

Really it's a picture post about what one does when snowed in w/ 5 kids (well Jenna has only been here for a short time. She was snowed in at a friends for 2 days, had a friend over today, and went to another friends house tonight.)

On the first day we had a ton of fun sledding! But there are many more things we can find to do when our life has been basically put on pause. And it has been wonderful!

Monday, January 10, 2011

Just what the Dr. ordered...

(this is our 1 yr. old pup Taz...he loved the snow and chasing the kids and you can see how high the snow got)
First thank you for all the sweet comments and prayers for our family. The kids truly believe that our sweet Jade sent us a present..and that present was a complete snowed in family day. She loved the snow! And she sent it down to us to let us know she is having a blast in heaven. (And here I am "southern Sledding" for the first time)

We enjoyed a day off from school today as we woke up to 6 inches of white beautiful snow. I've never experienced this much snow that I can remember, so I was excited to get to do a little "southern" sledding today.

And running up and down the street to a friends house in the snow several times is great exercise I might add. I might be really sore tomorrow. Unfortunately, it didn't stay nice powder for long and it was mostly ice. So no snowman building or snowball fights...but great sledding experiences!

I'm sad that Jenna was snowed in at a friends house, so I have no pics. of her. But she is having a blast and having to stay another night. And we're off school again...I might play and enjoy myself some more:)

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Saying goodbye

I started a post last night about how this year was off to a good start...some funny things my kids great my life is and how blessed I am. And not that those things aren't true, but something stopped me. I got tired, I couldn't hold my eyes open, and I was taking care of my sick pup (well she was almost 11, but has always been my pup).

Then this morning I knew it wasn't going to be a good day. Yesterday was not a good day b/c our Jade was pacing around, digging in to the floor, and came to find me quite a bit. I took her to the vet b/c she just wasn't right. They took some blood and urine, but the vet felt she was having some kind of anxiety attack. When we got home she vomited quite a bit, but I thought it was b/c of the car ride and she was anxious about being at the vet. She drank 2 bowls of water after that and then came to sleep upstairs w/ me. She wanted to lay close to me and be with me. She had arthritis and hadn't been upstairs to sleep in our room for sometime.

Around midnight she whimpered out in pain several times, and I knew she wasn't doing good. I tried to get her to take a doggy aspirin, but she would eat anything to take it. She went outside and my husband couldn't get her to come back in. She wanted to stay outside behind the grill. She eventually came in, but went to sleep in the kids bathroom.

When they all got up this morning she wouldn't come out of the bathroom to go outside. She came down after they left for school and just laid under the chair in the dining room. I made her some eggs and tried to get her to drink. She refused it all. I knew from then that this day was not going to go well.

I took her back to the vet. They took some Xrays and could tell some sort of "mass" was in their. Well to put my mind at ease before we made a decision they did an ultrasound. I left her there so they could observe her.

The vet called me back in what seemed like an eternity (was really 4 hours). She didn't have good news. She could see several masses on her spleen, kidney, and intestines. She said they could do an exploratory surgery or could go in and try to remove anything she found. However, I knew we couldn't afford it and she said there was no guarantee that anything could even be done once they got in there. So I headed back to the vet...I made the hard decision to put her down.

They brought her in so I could say goodbye. And boy oh boy I had no idea how hard this would be. But I could tell from her reaction that she was ready and we were making the right decision.

We couldn't stand the thought of having to tell the kids...and we especially couldn't tell them that we had "chosen" this decision. So I told them that the vet had called me and told me it was time. I reassured them that she was ready and I pet laid w/ her and pet her until she was gone and she wasn't alone.

My daughter screamed out at me that I was lying and this couldn't be true. The boys all began crying. I held Jenna reassuring her that she was in a better place. She is now up in heaven playing chase with her other friend Riley (our other dog that passed away 2 yrs. ago). I reminded them of all the good times we had with her...that her almost 11 years were full of lots and lots of love. She was Jenna's pre-k graduation present 10 years ago and was hers...and I knew she would take it the hardest.

I kept them busy while Chris went to bury her. They were curious and the 3 oldest kids wanted to go out and see where her final resting place would be. They are each handling it in their own way...but I am having a much harder time than I could have ever imagined. Jenna and I decided we would write her a letter and tell her all the amazing things about her. She wants me to take them down to her grave and bury them with her. So tomorrow I will go dig up a little dirt and place them in the ground.

I never imagined I would take this so hard, but I am even more surprised at how many times I've caught my husband crying. He said "She was our family and she's been w/ Jenna and Tyler since I can remember". I keep waiting for her to bark, or run in and beg for my food, or just come lay with me. My first run without her is going to be so hard...and I think I need to update my play list w/ some major upbeat music...b/c I need a run to clear my head.

I am glad I went back to tell her goodbye and kiss and pet her one more time. I miss her so much already...and I just pray that this gets easier.

Monday, January 3, 2011

The Past, The Present, and The Future

This time of year brings out the "what am I going to do different this year? how am I going to make my life better? why am I here?" type of questions in me. At the end of 2010 I posted a Facebook status that stated "Resolution for 2011...not dwelling on time lost and moving on from here to live in the here and now...and live it up!" And I truly intend to live this way each day.

After all, we can't change the past. Besides who would really want to? It is what brought us to where we are today. Without the people that have come and gone, the events that have occurred, the days that have past...well we wouldn't be who we really are.

That brings me to the present. With all of the past events and people I find myself bitter, angry, holding grudges...which by the way only effects my happiness. All of that "holding on" only makes it impossible to fully move into the present. It makes the present gloomy and dark...which is not who I want to be. I know a lot of it comes with being a woman. We are so hard on ourselves for so many things. And I am making positive changes in my life, but I have failed to see them.

So in the "present" I intend to keep my journal writing so on days when I feel I have not accomplished anything I can look back and say "see I did loads of laundry and put the clothes away on this day", "I washed and changed all the sheets on this day", and "I ate so healthy and worked out on this day".

I see my future as very positive. And I intend to begin this new year with many goals in mind. Writing them down and how I will accomplish them each day. I will hold myself accountable. And I will enjoy the bad with the good!

We had so much fun on our "Winter Break" and cannot wait to share those photos with you. Lots to do today as we get back to our work and school, but I will post through out the week.