Well, the week started off w/ a bang...and now it's had some blows. There are some days you just want to sit on your bootie and do nothing. Well, today is that day....but I must push on. Work, school time, laundry, dishes, laundry, vacuuming, mopping, laundry, bathroom cleaning all need to get done...along with a list a mile long w/ things like bills, making appts., registration stuff, and the list goes on.
But all I want to do it SIT on my butt! You see I'm in a bad place right now. A little depressed if I can be so honest w/ people I don't really know. But that's what I started this for. To blog...share things, get things off my chest, journal...
I have been having some women issues for quite sometime now. You know one of those things you really only share w/ your husband. I cry to him about pain and fear. Well, he finally said that's it "You need to go to the dr."
But I was afraid. Afraid of new I never wanted to hear. Well, it really was time and so I made the appointment the "girly" dr.
I dreaded yesterday. But was also optimistic for a good outcome or solution to my pain. After an ultrasound and a few other tests...she broke the horrible news to me that I never wanted to hear. "I think it's time we consider an ablation of sorts. Not quite a hysterectomy but it does mean no more children."
I knew it. To me this is devastating...most don't understand. "You have 5 healthy children. You should be happy." But for me this is what I know. This is what I am. A mom. Pregnant. Anticipating a new birth. Raising children. For the last 14 years.
I always knew I wanted to be a mom. I just never knew how much I would truly love it. I figured two or three children. But I always want more. Even after 4 and 5...I still want more.
After sweet #4 was born I remember discussing tubes tied. This was really hubby pushing for this. I remember how scared I was to finalize things.
After #5 they asked me again...
I just couldn't bring myself to "be done". I have thought about another baby everyday. It is somethings that is in the back of my mind at all time.
It's moments like this I can't believe I won't have again...
I am blessed with 5 of the most beautiful healthy babies. And even though we didn't officially have #6 in the works...I'm sad by this news that there probably won't be a #6 for me. The official news will come once the tests are finished. But the dr. seems to think there is nerve damage to the uterus...and this is what is causing my excruciating pain.
I will pray like I do everyday. I am asking God that if this is his plan for me to please take my want of more children away.
I know I am blessed. I know there are too many women out there who have lost children or cannot conceive at all. I hurt for these women and know that I will be okay and I am blessed and thankful.
But for today...I want to sit and sulk for a minute. All of this "list" will be there tomorrow.